CHRISTIAN WOMEN AND THE MODERN DATING STRUGGLE

Written by Abrie JF Kilian Modern Dating Struggle

In every age, society has wrestled with the question of love and marriage, but few generations have seen the scale so unfairly tilted as the women of faith in today’s world. The halls of our churches, once teeming with potential godly unions, now reveal a stark and unsettling reality: women of virtue and conviction outnumber their male counterparts, left to compete for an ever-dwindling pool of faithful, resolute men. The very sanctuaries where many hoped to find covenantal love now echo with the quiet frustration of Christian women who have prayed, waited, and sought in vain.

The Sobering Statistics: A Church in Crisis

The gender imbalance within the Church is no secret. Almost all Christian denominations have a ratio of men to women of 1:2 or 2:3, and in many middle-class congregations, up to 3.4 times as many unpartnered women exist compared to men (Woman Alive). The implications are profound. Half a million Christian women are left with a painful decision: marry a non-Christian or remain single and childless. While singleness can be a calling, it is not always a choice freely made. The Church has, at times, over-spiritualized this crisis, expecting women to simply "accept their gift of singleness," when in reality, this shortage of godly men is neither biblical nor natural—it is an imbalance requiring action.

Meanwhile, church attendance among men continues to decline, widening the already significant gap. According to Pew Research, men are substantially less religious than women across Christian denominations, both in attendance and personal commitment to faith. In the United States, 55% of women say religion is very important in their lives, compared to only 47% of men, and the disparity is even greater in Europe and other secularized regions.[¹]

Beyond the Church, the dating world reflects an even harsher reality. Studies suggest that 78% of women are competing for the top 20% of men, creating an extreme case of dating inequality (Worst-Online-Dater). The Tinder economy’s Gini coefficient of 0.58, indicating inequality worse than that of 95% of the world’s national economies, reflects how modern dating platforms concentrate attention on a small fraction of highly desirable men while leaving the majority overlooked.

A World Gone Astray: The Unholy Compromise of Missionary Marriages

Faced with this stark imbalance, some church leaders—perhaps in the spirit of misguided pragmatism—have floated a perilous proposition: that women should consider missionary marriages, where a believing woman yokes herself to an unbelieving man in the noble hope of winning him to Christ. A more treacherous course could hardly be charted. Scripture itself warns against this well-intended but misguided path: "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?" (2 Corinthians 6:14). "“Furthermore, you shall not intermarry with them; you shall not give your daughters to their sons, nor shall you take their daughters for your sons." (Deuteronomy 7:3 - NASB95)

Such unions, while admirable in intention, too often lead to compromise rather than conversion, sorrow rather than sanctification. The faith of the woman is tested beyond its natural limits, not in the fiery trials of martyrdom, but in the slow erosion of an unequally balanced home, where the burden of spiritual leadership falls entirely upon her shoulders. It is a folly that should be condemned, not encouraged.

Beth’s book club, discussed in Woman Alive, provides real-life examples of Christian women facing these dilemmas. Amy, a devoted believer, actively seeks a godly husband but finds few Christian men. Kate, now married to a non-Christian, longs for her husband’s salvation and prays her daughters will have Christian husbands—an opportunity she did not have. Jane remained single until her late fifties and, though grateful for her marriage, has had to grieve the children she never bore. Sarah, left by her husband, struggles to raise godly sons without male role models in the Church.

A Call to Men: Rise, Lest the Standard Fall

This is no time for the Christian man to idle by, waiting for fate to deliver his match at the church doorway. A great and solemn responsibility rests upon him. The Church is full of women prepared to love deeply, to build households of faith, and to stand steadfastly in the storms of life. Yet too many men hesitate, wavering between the comforts of indecision and the false promises of worldly pursuits. To them, we must say: rise up. The fields are white for the harvest, and a man of faith must be about his Father’s business—not merely in vocation, but in the charge to lead, love, and provide a spiritual covering for the women whom YHWH has called His daughters. However, this call seem to be an exercise in musical chairs and does not solve the gender disparity.

For women, the challenge is clear, yet the path remains uncertain. Many must ask: where do we go from here? It is not for them to lower their standards nor abandon their convictions, but to seek wisdom in new pastures. The constraints of modern dating must not bind them to worldly despair. Perhaps our understanding of marital possibilities must be reexamined—not through the lens of fleeting modern trends, but in the timeless wisdom of Scripture, where solutions as old as the patriarchs themselves may hold the key to a future unchained from the scarcity of today.

The Great Task Ahead

We do not face an age of hopelessness, but of challenge. In times past, when Christian men were few, the women of faith held fast to the promise that the Lord of Hosts does not leave His people abandoned. If history has shown us anything, it is that no era, however dark, is beyond the reach of redemption.

Imagine if the Church were no longer an echo chamber of frustrated single women, but a flourishing community of strong, godly marriages. Imagine if Christian men were truly discipled, called to lead, love, and protect their future wives. Imagine if the Church no longer ignored this imbalance but addressed it head-on, ensuring equal opportunities for men to come to faith and equal opportunities for women to marry within the household of faith.

It is time for the Church to act. It is time for men to rise. It is time for Christian women to be heard. And it is time for solutions that do not betray YHWH's design, but restore it. If we are to preserve the future of Christian marriages, we must act now, before another generation is lost. The Church, however, must answer a more pressing question: If monogamy alone cannot provide solutions for the vast number of faithful Christian women desiring marriage, what Biblical alternatives remain?

References

1. Pew Research Center. “The Gender Gap in Religion Around the World.” Pew Research Center, March 22, 2016. https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2016/03/22/the-gender-gap-in-religion-around-the-world/

2. Woman Alive. “Are We Balanced? Addressing the Gender Gap in the Church.” Woman Alive, March 2024. https://www.womanalive.co.uk/are-we-balanced/17395.article

3. Worst-Online-Dater. “Tinder Experiments II: Guys, Unless You Are Really Hot You Are Probably Better Off Not Wasting Your Time on Tinder.” Medium, March 24, 2015. https://medium.com/@worstonlinedater/tinder-experiments-ii-guys-unless-you-are-really-hot-you-are-probably-better-off-not-wasting-your-2ddf370a6e9a